Found this remarkable poem and it resonated everything I feel inside! What I have learnt!
by Rania Naim
“If you ever find yourself in the wrong story, leave.” ― Mo Willems.
You’re allowed to leave any story you don’t find yourself in. You’re allowed to leave any story you don’t love yourself in.
You’re allowed to leave a city that has dimmed your light instead of making you shine brighter, you’re allowed to pack all your bags and start over somewhere else and you’re allowed to redefine the meaning of your life.
You’re allowed to quit the job you hate even if the world tells you not to and you’re allowed to search for something that makes you look forward to tomorrow and to the rest of your life.
You’re allowed to leave someone you love if they’re treating you poorly, you’re allowed to put yourself first if you’re settling and you’re allowed to walk away when you’ve tried over and over again but nothing has changed.
You’re allowed to let toxic friends go, you’re allowed to surround yourself with love, and people who encourage and nurture you. You’re allowed to pick the kind of energy you need in your life.
You’re allowed to forgive yourself for your biggest and smallest mistakes and you’re allowed to be kind to yourself, you’re allowed to look in the mirror and actually like the person you see.
You’re allowed to set yourself free from your own expectations.
We sometimes look at leaving as a bad thing or associate it with giving up or quitting, but sometimes leaving is the best thing you can do for yourself.
Leaving allows you to change directions, to start over, to rediscover yourself and the world. Leaving sometimes saves you from staying stuck in the wrong place with the wrong people.
Leaving opens a new door for change, growth, opportunities and redemption.
You always have the choice to leave until you find where you belong and what makes you happy.
You’re even allowed to leave the old you behind and reinvent yourself.
As I write the I am about to embark on a weekend away with some girlfriends. May has been a trying month. Besides the fact that my ex husband is now married not even 6 months after our divorce, I found out that he is expecting another baby. Things were incredibly hard financially! and perhaps finding out about my children’s new half sibling made me feel so distressed because I realised that I will receive even less child maintenance ( if thats even possible). The situation was wearing me down but two amazing things came from it.
Firstly I realised that I am over my ex-husband. It didn’t hurt in the slightest bit. I am amazed by the hearts capacity to heal! There was a time something like this could have crushed me. But it didn’t hurt at all…I felt indifferent. As if I had never lay in the same bed with this person and shared a life with him. Its as if that wound healed without leaving a single scar. God will heal you…you need to be able to want to be healed FIRST then be willing to do WHATEVER it takes to be all right again.
Secondly I had an argument with him and I remember how toxic our relationship was. His words cut do deep it felt like I was bleeding internally! It had been so long since I felt that way. I remember wishing he would just hit me than say the things he said to me. It took me a while to recover then it dawned upon me that there is no-one in my entire life who speaks to me in that way any more. I am surrounded by people who love me, admire me and want the best for me. I cant remember being in an argument with anyone in the past 2 years and I definitely don’t remember anyone intentionally hurting me with their words or otherwise. This realisation brought me so much joy. All is well..my head is under water but Im breathing fine.
If a man happens to find himself, he has a mansion which he can inhabit with dignity all the days of his life.
James A. Michener
ART|Marcel Mariën, L’Oubli d’être en Vie, 1967
I wrote this blog because in the thick of it I remember wishing there was a place I could go to get help or advice. The more I spoke to women in a similar situation the more I realised that what I was going through was normal and that it was a process. I guess Im writing this blog for that person still going through that valley. I want you to know it gets better. After this tunnel…trust me there is light.
1. He is gone.The man that you were married to is gone forever. Things between you will never be the same, even if you started as friends.It may take a long time for you to be “friends” — whatever that means. It may never happen.
2. Don’t rush things, divorce is not child’s play. Go for counselling at church with a psychologist or any other avenue. Take your time and heal.
3. Its embarrassing. You don’t want the world to know, you will probably keep it a secret for a while. It means you failed to make a marriage work, sometimes the nature of your divorce will expose your weaknesses or your spouses weaknesses. You will have to remind yourself that you are not a failure. That the relationship simply ran its course, it had an expiration date.
4. When you are sick, he is no longer there to care for you. Being single can be pretty cruddy but the worst moments aren’t the valentines’ day, its when you are sick, when you tired, the school plays and doing everything on your own. You’re going to miss having someone dedicated (or allocate) to you.
5. You’re going to miss him, and want your marriage back. EVEN if he was abusive and the scum of the earth, you once loved him or still love him. You might even beg him to come back. It takes a while for reality to sink in. It’s part of the process. Give it time…
6. He’ll probably come back. Many run-away husbands realise that the grass isn’t greener on the other side as they presumed. if the have left you for another woman, the honeymoon phase has probably worn off. There is no right way to react however its important to ask yourself, if a person really love you would he out you through all that pain, do you trust him?
6. He’ll probably probably leave again. Or you will kick him out. Most reconciliations don’t work because the reason the party left is because they aren’t willing to deal with the issues or realities of married life. Don’t take it personal. If you took him back you are not a fool. You just decided to give love an chance. If he is really remorseful and willing to go for counselling, go for it. But take it slow, guard your heart.
7. You will probably want the world to know what a scumbag he/she is. So after the embarrassment has disappeared and everybody knows. You will probably want everybody to know you were not in the wrong. This is normal and petty but very normal, it come from wanting to be socially absolved of fault than sympathy. Its also wanting their to be some kind of justice for what he has done. You are looking for someone to say say ” What they did was absolutely wrong”. This stage will pass.
8. You’ll blame yourself. Shoulda coulda woulda The hardest part is forgiving yourself
9.You may lose some friends. You no longer belong to married club anymore, don’t be bitter. It will hurt in the beginning but God will send you new and beautiful friendships.
10. You might lose your faith. Where was God in all of this? How could he allow such a thing to happen. You were a faithful wife/husband. You might become cynical at time. Allow yourself to ask those questions, God is our heavenly father and He can handle it. With time the answers to your questions will be revealed and you will find your faith again. You would probably want to change churches, if it helps do it.
11. You will probably want to move. To a city nobody knows you, deactivate your Facebook account, start a fresh. If you can do it. Do it. Whatever gives you peace
12. It will hurt. For a looong long time and after all the hurt subsides, you remember all the good things and sort of forget the bad and the hurt starts again but in a different way.
13. You will wonder how you didn’t see it coming. The signs were there how could you be so stupid…Its really not about you. Its about him/her. He/she didn’t walk out on you and your family. He/she walked out on himself. This took several therapy sessions for me understand.
14. You will be mad at him/her. How could the person you trusted treat you this way? How could they break your heart like this? After all your sacrifices you made etc etc…
15. You will be happy again. You will be able to truly smile and be happy. You might find love again, you might find peace ,I pray you find both. What is important is making the decision , not to allow the situation to change you for the worse, allow it to transform you into a better version of yourself.
Philosopher Aristotle placed happiness as a central purpose of human life and a goal in itself. He believed that the motivation for our actions were around seeking happiness. It is often said that happiness is dependant on the circumstances that are around you and joy is something that comes with in. If that is the case once you have mastered joy you have made it in life.
It is my goal daily to be joyful no matter the circumstances that surround me. In my other life (married) I never thought of my own happiness. It was always about making my husband and kids happy, my in-laws , my pastors. I didn’t invest in the things that made me smile and as time went by I forgot what those things were.
Having said that my ex-husband never forced me to make that sacrifice, he on the contrary was all about serving himself. It hurt me deeply because he was meant to serve me as I served him…Not so. To be fair my children never asked me for half the sacrifices I made either. In fact I was self sacrificing all around without anybody expecting it of me. I gave up my tertiary education to help put my brothers through school, I gave up my lunch breaks without my boss saying a word. I constantly placed my very fibre on the alter…and nobody cared.
Eventually there was nothing left to give, there was nothing from myself. Everybody now expected this from me , and they kept taking whatever was left of me,like greedy vultures. And still I didn’t understand why I was so empty inside..
It was only when I visited a friend of mine, we went to buy takeouts and I decided to eat from the box instead of “dirtying her plates”. She turned to me incredulously and said “That’s what plates are made for! Why would you want to eat from a CARDBOARD box? What kind of message are you sending to the universe? I wish you would stop it…there’s no need to keep sacrificing yourself. ” I came to the realisation that making other people happy didn’t necessarily mean I have to lose myself or make myself suffer unnecessarily. This was the beginning of my journey of finding my joy. The beginning of this pilgrimage was gratitude.
Every morning for the past 3 days I wake up and thank God for the blessings in my life and what a difference it has made. I look with wonder at the world around me. Ive started to appreciate the “small things” like the air in my lungs, the feeling of the children’s arms around me, the Durban sun on my skin..how can I not be full of appreciation of the life God has given me. Which in itself is a gift. Gratitude is the key to eternal joy. No matter how bad things get there are at least 10 things we can be grateful for.
PHOTO| Photo via @Shawanna Davis
Perhaps this road…was the one I was meant to take, it feels like it was chosen for me….
I forgive myself for the mistakes of my past, I no longer punish myself for the wisdom I lacked. Thank you experience for being my teacher, pain for being my motivator… I can not change anything that is behind me but the lessons I have learnt I take forward. I accept that I am flawed, I ma not an example, the only person I should please is myself, I don’t owe anyone an explanation for my decisions.
I am a 29 year old woman. In one decade I found love and lost it, I have lost a lot of things but in that process…I found myself, a fair trade. I don’t have much in terms f material things yet but the treasures that my soul carries far out weight the size of my pocket. Surely what is within will sooner or later manifest. I am a lover , I love people, I love life, I love love…I am open to love all love and because I freely give it, I freely receive it. I am ready for success I realise the key to the door of success were with in all along. I await its manifestation.
I am ready for the next chapter…I shudder in a fear and wonder to what God has instore for me.Perhaps this road…was the one I was meant to take, it feels like it was chosen for me….
What a ride…what a life
ART|The girl with the bicycle” by Alexi Zaitsev
Sometimes in our quest for the greater things we forget to say “thank you” for the little things that mean so much….
- I am grateful that I woke up next to my ninjas
- I am grateful for the sun rays on my face, its a beautiful day here in Durban
- I am grateful for my job which teaches me everyday to pay attention to the details
- For the breathe in my lungs
- For food
- For the book I was given to read-
- For waking this morning and the life I have been given
- That I have my health, I have perfect health
- For the friendly man who let me in front of his car during traffic
- My car- its gets me to and from work, its allows me to transport my family
What are the 10 things you are grateful for today?
ART| UNKNOWN ( PINTEREST)
Its been a good 2 years since I have been in a relationship. My life is full, I love my kids and they fill up most of my time, work is high pressure and I work long hours. I have many beautiful friends who surround me with love and a family that adores me… But just before I close my eyes, when the kids are asleep and my work has died down, the novel I have been reading comes to an end…. I am faced with the truth.
I am lonely
According to www.psychologies.co.uk, ‘ loneliness– a painful and distressing feeling that most of us have experienced at one time or another. Loneliness is the result of not having as much love and closeness as we would like…’
I NEVER imagined being at this stage of my I would be alone, I am not one for drifting in and out of relationships…they need to have meaning. I normally don’ t mind my own company yet at this time in my life I find myself experiencing an overwhelming feeling of alone-ness.
The shame in my loneliness comes from not being happy or satisfied in my solitary state. The shame comes from the fact that the love of my kids is not enough. The shame comes from the fact that while everybody others get roses on Valentines day..I got nothing. That I am a good woman, I have the capacity to love but nobody is interested in loving me up. I am not looking for a blesser, I pay my own bills but I need a phone call at the end of the day, a soft place to land at the end of a rough day and to be told I am beautiful over and over again.
Why should I be ashamed of such? Why does my saying so feel like I am selling myself short?
As a christian woman I am told that If I focus on God all these earthly desires will fall away…Im not so sure. Its not even about the sex. Sex is easy to come by yet the abandonment that follows casual sex is not worth the physical release. Very few people have mastered this art.
You see for the most of the past decade of my life I have had a partner..That is my entire adult life. I have always had someone to share my frustrations at the end of the day..who will encourage me when I need encouragement, share my dreams with. I log for someone I can take care of, someone I can build with. I give so much of myself to everyone around me, is it so wrong to desire for someone to take care of me as well?
I’ve concluded that there is nothing shameful about longing for something you are yet to attain, or for wanting love or intimacy that you don’t have. Whether its the love of a spouse or the love of a child. I know love will find me, my lover will come…but in the in between…when the music has been switched off…in the silence my longing grows
***Blesser- another term for sugar daddy