The shame of loneliness



Its been a good 2 years since I have been in a relationship.  My life is full, I love my kids and they fill up most of my time, work is high pressure and I work long hours. I have many beautiful friends who surround me with love and a family that adores me… But just before I close my eyes, when the kids are asleep and my work has died down, the novel I have been reading comes to an end…. I am faced with the truth.

I am lonely

According to, ‘ loneliness– a painful and distressing feeling that most of us have experienced at one time or another. Loneliness is the result of not having as much love and closeness as we would like…’

I NEVER imagined being at this stage of my I would be alone, I am not one for drifting in and out of relationships…they need to have meaning. I normally don’ t mind my own company yet at this time in my life I find myself experiencing an overwhelming feeling of alone-ness.

The shame in my loneliness comes from not being happy or satisfied in my solitary state. The shame comes from the fact that the love of my kids is not enough. The shame comes from the fact that while everybody others get roses on Valentines day..I got nothing. That I am a good woman, I have the capacity to love but nobody is interested in loving me up. I am not looking for a blesser, I pay my own bills but I need a phone call at the end of the day, a soft place to land at the end of a rough day and to be told I am beautiful over and over again.

Why should I be ashamed of such? Why does my saying so feel like I am selling myself short?

As a christian woman I am told that If I focus on God all these earthly desires will fall away…Im not so sure. Its not even about the sex. Sex is easy to come by yet the abandonment that follows casual sex is not worth the physical release. Very few people have mastered this art.

You see for the most of the past decade of my life I have had a partner..That is my entire adult life. I have always had someone to share my frustrations at the end of the day..who will encourage me when I need encouragement, share my dreams with. I log for someone I can take care of, someone I can build with.  I give so much of myself to everyone around me, is it so wrong to desire for someone to take care of me as well?

I’ve concluded that there is nothing shameful about longing for something you are yet to attain, or for wanting love or intimacy that you don’t have. Whether its the love of a spouse or the love of a child. I know love will find me, my lover will come…but in the in between…when the music has been switched off…in the silence my longing grows


***Blesser- another term for sugar daddy


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s