ART|Marcel Mariën, L’Oubli d’être en Vie, 1967
I wrote this blog because in the thick of it I remember wishing there was a place I could go to get help or advice. The more I spoke to women in a similar situation the more I realised that what I was going through was normal and that it was a process. I guess Im writing this blog for that person still going through that valley. I want you to know it gets better. After this tunnel…trust me there is light.
1. He is gone.The man that you were married to is gone forever. Things between you will never be the same, even if you started as friends.It may take a long time for you to be “friends” — whatever that means. It may never happen.
2. Don’t rush things, divorce is not child’s play. Go for counselling at church with a psychologist or any other avenue. Take your time and heal.
3. Its embarrassing. You don’t want the world to know, you will probably keep it a secret for a while. It means you failed to make a marriage work, sometimes the nature of your divorce will expose your weaknesses or your spouses weaknesses. You will have to remind yourself that you are not a failure. That the relationship simply ran its course, it had an expiration date.
4. When you are sick, he is no longer there to care for you. Being single can be pretty cruddy but the worst moments aren’t the valentines’ day, its when you are sick, when you tired, the school plays and doing everything on your own. You’re going to miss having someone dedicated (or allocate) to you.
5. You’re going to miss him, and want your marriage back. EVEN if he was abusive and the scum of the earth, you once loved him or still love him. You might even beg him to come back. It takes a while for reality to sink in. It’s part of the process. Give it time…
6. He’ll probably come back. Many run-away husbands realise that the grass isn’t greener on the other side as they presumed. if the have left you for another woman, the honeymoon phase has probably worn off. There is no right way to react however its important to ask yourself, if a person really love you would he out you through all that pain, do you trust him?
6. He’ll probably probably leave again. Or you will kick him out. Most reconciliations don’t work because the reason the party left is because they aren’t willing to deal with the issues or realities of married life. Don’t take it personal. If you took him back you are not a fool. You just decided to give love an chance. If he is really remorseful and willing to go for counselling, go for it. But take it slow, guard your heart.
7. You will probably want the world to know what a scumbag he/she is. So after the embarrassment has disappeared and everybody knows. You will probably want everybody to know you were not in the wrong. This is normal and petty but very normal, it come from wanting to be socially absolved of fault than sympathy. Its also wanting their to be some kind of justice for what he has done. You are looking for someone to say say ” What they did was absolutely wrong”. This stage will pass.
8. You’ll blame yourself. Shoulda coulda woulda The hardest part is forgiving yourself
9.You may lose some friends. You no longer belong to married club anymore, don’t be bitter. It will hurt in the beginning but God will send you new and beautiful friendships.
10. You might lose your faith. Where was God in all of this? How could he allow such a thing to happen. You were a faithful wife/husband. You might become cynical at time. Allow yourself to ask those questions, God is our heavenly father and He can handle it. With time the answers to your questions will be revealed and you will find your faith again. You would probably want to change churches, if it helps do it.
11. You will probably want to move. To a city nobody knows you, deactivate your Facebook account, start a fresh. If you can do it. Do it. Whatever gives you peace
12. It will hurt. For a looong long time and after all the hurt subsides, you remember all the good things and sort of forget the bad and the hurt starts again but in a different way.
13. You will wonder how you didn’t see it coming. The signs were there how could you be so stupid…Its really not about you. Its about him/her. He/she didn’t walk out on you and your family. He/she walked out on himself. This took several therapy sessions for me understand.
14. You will be mad at him/her. How could the person you trusted treat you this way? How could they break your heart like this? After all your sacrifices you made etc etc…
15. You will be happy again. You will be able to truly smile and be happy. You might find love again, you might find peace ,I pray you find both. What is important is making the decision , not to allow the situation to change you for the worse, allow it to transform you into a better version of yourself.